Dating an Alcoholic

I terminated my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend a few months ago, and am still shaking my head that it took me so long to see his addiction for what it was. I kept making excuses for his behaviour and taking him back, regardless of how terrible his addiction treated me.

We met online and chatted for months before meeting in person. When we met I thought I had hit the jackpot. I should have know that if it seems too good to be true - it probably is. I had no idea he had a drinking problem until he moved in with me.

I have been a fan of the TV show Intervention for years. I guess I never realized that addiction would hit so close to home. As a result of this experience I have educated myself more about the roots of addiction, but I don't think I will ever understand it.

I am an educated woman with 2 degrees, but I still refused to acknowledge the severity of the situation and the havoc he was reeking on my life and my inner peace. I want to blame my "stupidity" on my career choice. As a teacher I try to see the best in all of my students, even the difficult ones.

Dating an alcoholic I will summarize as dating Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde simultaneously. He was kind and sweet and generous, but on the flip side of the coin, he was obviously battling many mental demons that he tried to silence by drinking. When he was drunk he would get depressed and moody and drank to the point that he just passed out.After each drinking binge I knew he felt embarassed. He would apologize profusely, but the behaviour kept repeating itself. Unfortunately this cycle of emotional abuse continued for months. His apologies grew to mean nothing and I stopped trusting anything he said.

I came home from work on multiple occasions to find him asleep on the couch, with the apartment a disaster. He would be so drunk that he would knock things over, spill food or injure himself. It became a regular occurance to find empty vodka bottles and beer cans hidden all over the apartment. And yet I stayed with him. He would replace the water in water bottles with straight vodka. And yet I stayed with him.Family and friends who were made aware of the situation warned me to leave. And yet I stayed with him. I had to call the police on three seperate occasions because he drunk and refused to leave my apartment. That was the last straw. I did not know what I was signing up for - and I wanted out.

Eventually I just accepted that my love will never be enough to make him better. He has to want sobriety and recovery for himself. I grew tired of watering a dead flower and caring more than he did about getting better.There comes that pivotal decision, to either try harder or walk away. It felt like I was the only one trying. It was not an easy decision, but for my happiness and well-being I had distance myself from this toxic person. I wish him the best, but he's a very sick person who needs some serious help in dealing with his past trauma.

Months after the fact I am still very resentful of the hurt he brought into my life. I had no prior experience with addiction or alcoholism. He was active online dating, trolling for some poor girl, knowing damn well that he was sick (I found out that his drinking dates back about 5 years, when his athletic career ended). I just happened to be the poor girl who fell for his facade. Based on what he posts on social media and how he portays himself to the world, it makes me angry because I know the truth. Fake people have to put on a face, real people don't care. He came into my life like a wolf in sheep's clothing, wreaked havoc on my life and left me to pick up the pieces. He put me in hard times and he left me in hard times. He's drinking himself to death, and as much as I tend to see the world in rose-coloured glasses, I don't see things changing anytime soon.

April: A Month of Clarity

And...sure enough, just like last month, I have been so occupied that I haven't taken a moment to blog. Gosh I really am bad at keeping on top of this. Life has only gotten more chaotic and more exciting as April has progressed.

I have finally figured out where I'll be living over the summer and into the Fall when I head back to university. I am absolutely taken with the apartment I found and can't wait to move in in just over a month. It's less than a block from where I currently work and right downtown in Kingston.

I also have a new significant other in my life :P Through a weird series of events we ended up seeing each other. I'm completely smitten and has only given me something else to look forward to and enjoy in life. He's a keeper and I am one very lucky girl. I shan't go into too many details as I don't want to bore you with my love life haha.

Now I'm on the job hunt for something full time for the months of July and August. All my plans for the summer I thought were finalized, but I have realized that things are rarely ever set in stone and I've been learning to deal with letting things go. Letting events unfold has never been something I've been good at. I like planning, organizing and to a certain degree controlling things that happen in life. But as I have recently learned, things happen for a reason.

Had I not started working for the Y, broken up with my ex, and moved back to Kingston...I would have never met my new squeeze. Acknowledging that I don't have control over alot of things is pretty overwhelming but this month has really opened my eyes to just letting things happen. In a way it's less stressful too..not even trying to steer and just letting go of the wheel. It's scary but exciting at the same time.

I've been altering my long term to-do list as the months progress, now I have it narrowed down to 5 things I'd like to accomplish by the end of the summer.

1) Learning Spanish I really need to start making more time for this...less TV and more language learning is in order!!
 

2) Write fan mail to a tennis player I have had even more desire to do this as in all likelihood I will be headed to the Roger's Cup this summer at York University. (Did I also mention the new boy in my life is a tennis player?? :P)
 

3) Check out Racquet Science (tennis/ badminton store) I visited the store a couple of weeks ago after a doctor's appointment. A tennis/ badminton/squash players dream! The tiny store was covered wall-to-wall in racquets, bags, tennis apparel and strings. I wound up buying some red grip tape to match my red badminton racquet and ended up getting an enormous tennis ball magnet for my fridge as well. Apparently the store is owned by some guy from Edmonton, but he had pictures of himself at the French Open a few years ago, and I was instantly envious.

4)Work on my Renoir 1000 piece puzzle Similar to #1, I really need to start poking along with this...I may start this afternoon.

5)  Start blogging en Français Comme beaucoup des choses dans la vie, il n'y a pas assez de temps pour faire tous ce que je veux. Malheureusement mon écriture en français a besoin plusieurs heures de pratique . J'ai appris il y a une semaine que mon chum a essayé d'apprendre la langue française pendant qu'il était à l'université en Pologne. Les leçons de français pour lui peut-être?

Juno

I watched Juno when I was in my first year of university with my roommate at the time. It had gotten rave reviews in the theatres, so we torrented it and had a girl’s night in complete with popcorn and chocolate covered almonds. Starring Canadians Ellen Page and Michael Cera in the two lead roles, the film tells of the struggles of a teenage couple with an unplanned pregnancy. Ellen Page totally deserved an Oscar nod for her performance. She is smart and witty and totally lovable. Like many teenage couples, they consider adoption because they cannot support this new life and want to give the baby the life that they could not provide. While moments of the film are humorous, unwed teen parents is far from funny.

The MTV series Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant tell the stories of teens all across the United States in this same predicament. While each girl’s story differs (from her family situation, to the length of time she has been with the father of her baby, to how supportive their family is to keeping the baby, to the status of their relationship with the baby daddy) – they are all unprepared, financially unstable and naïve in life. What I find the most disturbing is that there are enough girls across the US who get themselves into this predicament to have three series and counting. It’s a massive responsibility that no teenager needs – and once you have a child, your childhood is over. Having a baby changes everything (not that I would know from experience). I enjoy the series a lot – I find that they don’t sugar-coat the tensions and struggles that teenage parents go through (though I know that they do get paid to be on the show). Growing up is scary enough, and by having unprotected sex teenagers take the chance of being thrust into (no pun intended) adulthood far sooner than they need to.

Bringing a child into this world is difficult even in the best of circumstances. My parents had been together for 4 years and married for 1 year before they had me. They had bought a house, had a car and had all their finances in order. But she suffered from severe postpartum depression with me and had to endure a cesarean section and the pain/ recovery associated with that. Throw in a screaming baby that disrupts your day-to-day life and you have a recipe for emotional ups and downs. They are fully dependent on you and as much as they drive you crazy you have to provide all their needs. My parents planned me, my brother and my sister. No child should be a mistake. With all the contraceptives out there, there really are no excuses. Considering a box of condoms costs around $10.00 and a child is around $10 000/year (including food, clothing, toys, doctor’s appointments, etc) – it’s easy to do the math.

The rise of teenage pregnancy across North America is another reason why I believe that abstinence should not be taught instead of a sexual education class. While abstinence is good in theory – it is rarely ever practiced. Teens are curious and their hormones are raging. Encouraging abstinence also contributes to more teens engaging in oral and anal sex, as they believe it is safer than vaginal penetration. Teens need to be educated and given the tools to deal with this unknown territory; both sex and in their relationships. I never dated when I was in high school and didn’t have my first boyfriend till I was 19, so my parents never really had to deal with any boy drama with me. I didn’t suffer any heartbreak or pregnancy scares, no teen should have to deal with that.

Even at 22 I feel that I would be nowhere close to being ready to have and support a child, let alone 16 years old, like many of the girls from the TV series. I’m having a difficult time as it is supporting just myself and getting by, let alone another life. I’ve noticed recently that the trend seems to be having kids really young (before the age of 20) or quite late (over the age of 35). I come from a small town in Ontario and there are over 60 girls that I went to high school with that now have babies. Another handful are married, and even fewer are both. It’s scary. I think of where I am in life, and I’m nowhere ready to be settling down and having a family. I’m not done all my schooling yet and don’t even have a man in my life for that to even take place. I’m just living my life for me right now. Not that I don’t want those things in the future – it’s just not a priority.