Dating an Alcoholic

I terminated my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend a few months ago, and am still shaking my head that it took me so long to see his addiction for what it was. I kept making excuses for his behaviour and taking him back, regardless of how terrible his addiction treated me.

We met online and chatted for months before meeting in person. When we met I thought I had hit the jackpot. I should have know that if it seems too good to be true - it probably is. I had no idea he had a drinking problem until he moved in with me.

I have been a fan of the TV show Intervention for years. I guess I never realized that addiction would hit so close to home. As a result of this experience I have educated myself more about the roots of addiction, but I don't think I will ever understand it.

I am an educated woman with 2 degrees, but I still refused to acknowledge the severity of the situation and the havoc he was reeking on my life and my inner peace. I want to blame my "stupidity" on my career choice. As a teacher I try to see the best in all of my students, even the difficult ones.

Dating an alcoholic I will summarize as dating Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde simultaneously. He was kind and sweet and generous, but on the flip side of the coin, he was obviously battling many mental demons that he tried to silence by drinking. When he was drunk he would get depressed and moody and drank to the point that he just passed out.After each drinking binge I knew he felt embarassed. He would apologize profusely, but the behaviour kept repeating itself. Unfortunately this cycle of emotional abuse continued for months. His apologies grew to mean nothing and I stopped trusting anything he said.

I came home from work on multiple occasions to find him asleep on the couch, with the apartment a disaster. He would be so drunk that he would knock things over, spill food or injure himself. It became a regular occurance to find empty vodka bottles and beer cans hidden all over the apartment. And yet I stayed with him. He would replace the water in water bottles with straight vodka. And yet I stayed with him.Family and friends who were made aware of the situation warned me to leave. And yet I stayed with him. I had to call the police on three seperate occasions because he drunk and refused to leave my apartment. That was the last straw. I did not know what I was signing up for - and I wanted out.

Eventually I just accepted that my love will never be enough to make him better. He has to want sobriety and recovery for himself. I grew tired of watering a dead flower and caring more than he did about getting better.There comes that pivotal decision, to either try harder or walk away. It felt like I was the only one trying. It was not an easy decision, but for my happiness and well-being I had distance myself from this toxic person. I wish him the best, but he's a very sick person who needs some serious help in dealing with his past trauma.

Months after the fact I am still very resentful of the hurt he brought into my life. I had no prior experience with addiction or alcoholism. He was active online dating, trolling for some poor girl, knowing damn well that he was sick (I found out that his drinking dates back about 5 years, when his athletic career ended). I just happened to be the poor girl who fell for his facade. Based on what he posts on social media and how he portays himself to the world, it makes me angry because I know the truth. Fake people have to put on a face, real people don't care. He came into my life like a wolf in sheep's clothing, wreaked havoc on my life and left me to pick up the pieces. He put me in hard times and he left me in hard times. He's drinking himself to death, and as much as I tend to see the world in rose-coloured glasses, I don't see things changing anytime soon.

Precious

About two months ago I watched the Oscar nominated film Precious. I put off seeing the film for several months because from what I had heard on TV and seen in the trailers disturbed me immensely. I hate to see people hurt, and the visual images of things (animals or people) suffering burn into my brain and I can’t seem to shake it. I love pets and children dearly and hope to have my own eventually. I work with children and have for the last two years, and the thought that anyone could physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually abuse a child breaks my heart. Those people must have no souls and no conscience. I believe children are born a clean slate and that it is mainly the environmental factors that shape who that child becomes. It goes back again to that nature vs. nurture debate again, but that is my belief.

Precious is a victim of sexual abuse multiple times by her father, with whom she has two children (the first of which has Down’s syndrome which brings on more verbal abuse from her mother). She is bullied by classmates because of her weight and learning disability, and the verbal abuse only worsens when she goes home to her mother. Her mother does nothing but degrade her, hurl objects across the room at her, and sit in her chair and bark out orders and various profanities. She takes the anger about her own life, out on her daughter. She holds her daughter responsible for her husband leaving her.

I think I have always been a compassionate person, but only realized more so once I started working within the school system. Children really are the world’s most valuable asset and we must do anything within our means to protect them. I fully support the Children’s Aid Society and have looked into becoming a member. I want to be a teacher so that I can be a positive influence and figure in the lives of children. I was blessed to have had a great home life growing up, with a stay-at-home mom and a hard-working father who were (and still are) best friends. I have no memories of my parents fighting. Not all children are that fortunate. I always loved school and for some children it is an escape from the nightmares at home. They can see their friends and not have to endure the unimaginable things they do under their own roofs.

Every day I get to see joy on kid’s faces, after doing well on the most recent test, finally figuring out that math problem that has stumped them for the better part of an hour, or learning a new way to checkmate their opponent. I love to see them proud and succeed. They are so innocent and naïve about the great wide world out there. I wish sometimes I could go back to being that age – life was so simple and carefree. I’m only 22 and sometimes life is overwhelming; bills to pay, work to go to, friends and family to keep in touch with, budgeting for groceries and maybe a social life and hobbies all mixed in there. I don’t have a husband, or a house, or children, or pets yet but those things will no doubt come in time. Even now, before all these other responsibilities, there still never seems to be enough time in the day to get everything done.

There are many ways to help children, both here in Canada and abroad. Join your local children’s aid and see how you can volunteer/ get involved/ donate. The YMCA, Boys and Girls Club, and Girl Guides/ Scouts of Canada are always looking for volunteers. Samaritan’s Purse does Christmas shoe boxes every holiday season that are sent to third world countries. I did them with my church for several years, filling them with goodies that I had purchased with my own money. Sponsor a child overseas – a year of sponsorship costs around $412.00, less then one month’s rent for me. It’s crazy how much farther our dollar stretches abroad. Most cities have a toy drive around this time of year for less fortunate families. A teddy bear or new book is under $20.00 and will put the smile on the face of a child you have never met.